jamie black comedy

Bathtub Philosopher

2009-07-24T16:25:00.001-05:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EHvsdsNzV4E

The Bathtub Philosopher reviews the new show "Dating In The Dark."

What I'm doing...

2008-08-19T20:04:00.002-05:00

As I sit here, one of my cats is trying to get me to make love to her. She’s in heat and for some reason she has decided that I’m the most masculine person in the house. I suppose she’s right. I’m more masculine than my wife and I think I’m more masculine than my step-son. No, I know I am! Our only male cat is sitting across the room from her teasing her with his useless genitalia. Slowly licking his privates as if to say, “Oh, you want this?” You can’t have it! My female cat, Chocolate loves it when I smack her booty. So that’s what I’m doing. She finally has enough which means that I’ve satisfied her in less time than I satisfy my wife and she runs off. She does some squirming on the floor and then comes over and lays at my feet like a sex slave. She’s looking in the direction of our male cat with a look on her face that says, “Who needs you? This is my man.” My ego is strangely boosted at the thought of this.

Where have I been?!!

2007-04-18T18:05:00.000-05:00

It would seem that in the last 6 months I would have something to write about. I'm sure I have, but I've been too preoccupied with trying to make some money to care about comedy. That's not true. I spent some time getting ready for the Chicago Improv Festival in which my sketch comedy group, Soul Fools performed. This is our third year performing in the show and we had a good crowd and a great show. This was right after the first of year. So what's been my excuse since then? Well, lately there hasn't really been anything that tickles my fancy. Mostly I find things irritating or aggravating. I find the fact that the media and Republicans are doing their very best to discredit Barak Obama any way they can ridiculous. Next thing they'll try to say is that he stepped on a crack and broke his mama's back. Just stupid. I find the fact that NASA let a crazy astronaut into their space program asinine. The new crazy test for NASA should be showing them a picture of their lover and their lover's lover and seeing their reaction. If their response is to throw on a wig and a diaper, kick them out of the program...immediately. And now this massacre at Virginia Tech. Seriously, the dude practically had crazy tattooed on his forehead. Why didn't the men in white coats come and get him? Stupid! I'm just not laughing much these days because there's too much stupid stuff going on. Go figure.

Mumbo jumbo

2006-10-08T16:40:00.000-05:00

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I'm K-fed up!

2006-08-22T08:35:00.000-05:00

For all of you 20 something and up adults out there who may not have been aware, the Teen Choice Awards were televised the other day on FOX. If any of you have kids able to speak in coherent sentences then you probably didn't see them for the three hours they were in front of the television, but I'm sure you heard their squeals. Apparently, the big attraction of the night was Kevin Federline closing the show and being introduced by his trailer ho, Britney Spears. Only someone who hasn't gone through puberty could possibly find this exciting. Anyway, even my pre-teen wasn't interested in this broadcast so that's got to tell you something.

I was reading the news as I do everyday on MSN.com and I saw something about Kevin Federline being mocked by the hip-hop community. I figured they were mocking him because of the fact that he left his pregnant girlfriend for Britney Spears. Even in the hip-hop community where there all kinds of baby mamas out there that's cold. No, I read that they were mocking him because of his performance. So my wife who was reading over my shoulder said, "Oh, we've GOT to see this!" I concurred. We immediately went to Youtube.com and found the footage of K-Fed's (his hip-hop stage name) performance.

It looked like a performance by an amateur musician who won a contest to perform on the Teen Choice Awards. And really I'm not just saying this, but it is the worst performance I have ever seen by anyone in my life and that includes William Hung. It was so bad that Vanilla Ice said, "I'm making a comeback!" The Taliban called off another proposed attack on the US because that performance already bombed. Ashley Simpson sent him a thank you note because it made her SNL flub look like a grammy winning performance.

It just further proves that if you are married to someone with money or have money yourself, you can do whatever the fuck you want to. OK, after this can we now stop giving these people the media time that we give them? Can we please only report on them when one of them dies? I don't really care about Britney and her babies, or Kevin and his partying or anyone else in these Hollywood circles. They seem to be a ubiquitous part of our culture like herpes. And we keep infecting our youth with this stupidity. It's really no wonder that America is so dumded down which I've already bitched about before so don't get me started...

Who Wants To Be A Loser?

2006-08-15T19:29:00.000-05:00

Apparently this is what I am since I tried out for "Millionaire" today, but did not pass the test. I'm really not sure how I couldn't have passed because I felt really good about it. I knew the majority of the answers. I'm baffled. What's worse is I had to file out with the other people who you could just look at and tell that they weren't going to make it. I HATE being lumped together with the short man and his bad toupee and the leather dude with the handlebar mustache. I'm not saying that you can't be into leather AND have a brain. I'm just saying that this dude with the blank stare was obviously not going to make it on the show.

Then of course there are those folks that no matter what score they got are not going to be allowed on the show. I really don't want to talk badly about people, but let's face it, you can be a nerd and be on a game show, but you can't be ugly! Have you ever seen an ugly person on a game show? And no, I don't mean in the audience at The Price Is Right because there are plenty of ugly people out there and never hear the announcer dude call them down. It'd be embarrassing. "Would 'insert the name of an ugly person you know here' come on down!" You are the next...whoa, wait a second...I'm sorry there must be some mistake. I think I misread the card. They told me to always wear my glasses. Here they are...Yes, of course, "Would 'insert the name of a not so ugly person you know here' come on down!" They couldn't do that because the person would always wonder if it was their appearance that made them recall their name like a Dell laptop battery. And that would make them feel like a loser. Well, they'd be welcome to join the club.

I'll never fly again!

2006-08-10T13:05:00.000-05:00

I woke up this morning to some disturbing news. Not only is Tori Spelling getting shut out of the Emmy's by her mother, but there was a terrorist plot thwarted by the British. It was however comforting to know that at least the British are still on our side whereas a lot of other countries might have just said, "You're going to the US...eh, all aboard." At least another bloodbath was stopped. But what does this mean for flying? It means that they've expanded the list of things that we aren't going to be allowed to take onboard. Since the terrorists were using some kind of liquid explosive, now we can't take any type of gels or liquids on airplanes. What?! No hair gel?!! No one from Hollywood will ever fly again.

I remember back in 1999, an airport security guy closely examined my dental rinse. Now this was before 9/11, but apparently this guy had foresight and thought that I might be planning to blow up the Sears Tower. I'm sure I looked suspicious with my leis and coconuts.

Wouldn't that make sense? If you're going to be a terrorist, don't look like one. Every time I see one of these guys, I think to myself, "Yeah, I'd strip search this guy." Most of them have that terrorist scowl and are wearing not tourist-y clothes, but terrorist-y clothes. Not that I want to give the terrorists any ideas, but I bet they might get further in their plots if they looked like Eugene Simkins from Portland, OR instead of Muhammad Al-Qilya.

I'm really scared because soon the only way we'll be able to fly is naked. We'll have to send our luggage ahead of time on cargo planes, show up to the airport in a robe and then strip down to our birthday suits and board the plane. Tickets to anyplace will be dirt cheap because no one wants to sit next to a fat, naked executive from NY to LA. Hot chicks will be able to fly for free because that's the only way some men will get on a plane naked. They'll have all female flights where during the flight they'll watch Oprah and Dr. Phil and talk about cellulite. It may not be so bad except that I think it would take more than August's Playmate to get me to ride next to a naked Rush Limbaugh.

Maybe I'll just ride my bike...

*Note: Jay Leno did a joke about naked people being in line to board flight. Let it be known that I made this post BEFORE the Tonght Show came on.

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What more could you want?

2006-07-31T10:03:00.000-05:00

I am about to leave LA and head back to Chicago. The fateful day is only 2 days away. I'm feeling rather melancholy. It's been quite an adventure here. I lost a good friend, but I've made so many more. I will miss all of them. I'm looking forward to getting back together with my family though. I've already mentioned the fact that LA is full of crazy people. No need to go further into that; just drive around LA for awhile and you'll see I tell the truth. As you're driving you will also notice that LA is full of donuts and porn. Donuts and porn. Why so much donuts and porn? Porn I can understand. In a city that thrives on rejecting even some of the most talented of actors, the natural thing to do is to make a porno. That'll show you, Steven Spielberg! I'm not saying that all rejected actors turn to porn. You can see a lot of them performing on Hollywood Blvd. Others just brought you your latte or the daily special. However, for a good deal of those low self-esteemers, all they needed was one more "Thank you. We'll be in touch" for them to run to the nearest suspect casting couch, lie down, spread their legs (or drop trau as the case may be) and enter the world of (fake) orgasms. Oh, c'mon! You didn't really think all of those orgasms are real, did you? Everything is fake in Hollywood!

Which brings us to the donuts. Why so many donut shops in LA? This is a city of plastic. I swear with the latest heat wave, I've seen more droopy chests than at an old folks home! Several women were walking around with those personal air conditioners to keep their faces from melting. It's hot! Everyone is so image conscience that I can't believe that the donut industry has obviously been able to thrive here. I would think that the donut shops would be replaced with juice bars and drive through plastic surgery facilities. Oh, believe me, if they could do drive through plastic surgery here, they would! All I know is that when I come back to LA next year and I get rejected by, oh I won't mention any names, let's just say every director in Hollywood, I may not star in the next Butt Pirates of the Caribbean, but I'll be able to gorge myself into a sugar coma on glazed donuts...

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How much dumber can we get?

2006-07-29T02:46:00.000-05:00

It's no wonder the world makes fun of us. We act like girls who try to make themselves look dumb so boys will like them. We do stupid stuff so the world will be our friend. I'm only assuming that that's what we're doing because the more I look around at what's on television and in the newspaper, it's the only thing that makes sense to me. Otherwise, why on earth would we spend 3 days talking about Connie Chung singing? Yes, I said 3 days. Now, I fully expected those late night guys to jump on the story because that's their job. The story is stupid fluff and right up their alley in terms of things to talk about. I also expected my morning and nightly news teams to mention it, notice how I say MENTION it, not report on it. It's not news! But for 2 days after the initial day of reporting, they were still talking about it. I have seen less news coverage on a child of color that has been abducted. Think I'm kidding? I wish I were. Think about how many extended news coverage stories you see about missing or abducted children of color. Then think about the Elizabeth Smart's, or Jon Benet Ramsey's or that Holloway chick that the news endlessly reports on night after night. Do you mean to tell me that there aren't ANY missing children of color out there? Only the blonde haired white girls are coming up missing? I find that very hard to believe, but then it doesn't surprise me. I guess we really indentify with them because we are trying to act like them. This is a country in which we talk about whether or not Superman is gay. No, not as part of a funny segment on a late night talk show or as a sketch on Mad TV or SNL, but as an actual serious program where 2 more people actual discuss and debate whether or not a fictitious character is gay! We have nothing else to talk about except whether or not Superman is gay? Are you serious?! How about we talk about why there are so many homeless in this country of excess? How about we talk about why people of color are more likely to be searched when pulled over? Speaking of which, I got lost one night in Beverly Hills and was pulled over by the police. After they let me go, I wondered, Why in the hpatrollinghey patroling Beverly Hills? Are they afraid Muffy and Buffy might have a shoot out over who's prettier? Why don't the police patrol where there's crime. I bet they'd catch a lot more criminals if they concentrated their efforts of patrol in high crime areas.

It amazes me that the police can't figure out who the drug dealers are. I know who the drug dealers are. Why aren't they pulling over that 19 year old driving a Mercedes Benz, but doesn't have a job. There's your drug dealer. Me in my Saturn, probably not.

Listen to me!

2006-07-21T08:44:00.000-05:00

Too many crazy folks!

2006-07-21T00:19:00.000-05:00

I will be leaving LA at the beginning of August and heading back to Chicago. Now I have to admit that up until 6 months ago, Chicago was the biggest city that I had ever lived in. LA is big and expensive...and full of crazy folks. I though that there were crazy people in Chicago, but ooowee! Chicago ain't got nothin' on LA. I saw things that made me sound crazy when I was describing them. And I'm happy to say that most of the crazy people are white!

I have never been afraid of the crazy people in Chicago. Most of them just have conversations with people that I can't see. I can hear their conversations and sometimes I agree with them. They gotta point. I'm OK with them because I can understand every word. A lot of the crazy people in LA though don't speak any English. Now that scares me because I don't know what they're saying. What if they're pissed off at me? I won't know 'cause they're speaking Russian or some other already scary language. And then I end up dead in a shopping cart on Sunset Blvd. No, no. I need to go back to Chicago our crazy people speak English and our mobsters speak Russian.